


Said the Snake

by Dawn_Blossom



Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Tea, implication that recreational drug use happens among the soldiers, mutual fond contempt, set sometime before the valm arc in canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27426664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawn_Blossom/pseuds/Dawn_Blossom
Summary: Somewhere between Excellus taking his first sip of tea and him finishing his tirade about how stupid the people back in his home country are, Cervantes had started thinking that the whiny sage was—where did this even come from?—just a bit cute.
Relationships: Cervantes/Exceli | Excellus
Kudos: 4





	Said the Snake

**Author's Note:**

> asdfghjkl I'm SO sorry that I have to bring you Cervantes/Excellus fanfiction in 2020 when this year has already done so much to us, but listen, EVERY time I play through the Valm arc I'm struck with the sense that Cervantes and Excellus have some kind of... something... going on. It's the way Excellus invites Cervantes to tea... It's the way Cervantes says Excellus is daft for someone so clever, but really does seem to respect his intellect for half a second... I get a Feeling when I think about them, and I just wanted to read one (1) fic about them. Just one and I would have been good.
> 
> But there were none on AO3. So please understand... I had no choice but to write one.

It’s an ordinary day in Valm. The sun is shining, the people are singing Walhart’s praises, and all those who resist imperial rule are dying horrible deaths. Cervantes is in high spirits, so much so that it would just be wrong not to spread the joy to others. Not Walhart, of course. The emperor is far too busy, and besides, his stress levels would probably bring down the mood. Pheros is out, too. Literally, she’s out of the city today; she went somewhere with a group of female soldiers, and Cervantes wasn’t stupid enough to try to interrogate her about… lady things. That just leaves the tactician. Fortunately, Excellus makes good tea.

Now, if you had asked Cervantes _before_ today what he thought of the man, he’d have been hard pressed to find much to say. Excellus is a weird little snake who sneaks around a lot to pray to a god who won’t even grant him so much as a wisp of facial hair. And despite his utter lack of whiskers, he somehow thinks he’s the most beautiful creature on earth. It’s kind of sad, but in a really funny way. What else is there to say?

Except today, there _is_ something else. Something… shocking. Something even more shocking than the time his beard was dyed blue as a prank… Well, it’s not quite that bad. But still shocking!

Somewhere between Excellus taking his first sip of tea and him finishing his tirade about how stupid the people back in his home country are, Cervantes had started thinking that the whiny sage was—where did this even come from?—just a bit cute.

“And that’s when the array failed, so— Hey, you brainless oaf, are you even listening to me?” Excellus exclaims.

He’s short and he’s round and he’s angry. It’s like watching a cat get its fur all bristley. It’s funny and yes, that must be why it’s just a bit cute, but Cervantes doesn’t know what the hell is going on in his stomach right now.

“Grima above, I lost you when I started using two-syllable words, didn’t I?” Excellus huffs. “Why am I always CURSED to live around people like you?”

Cervantes almost wants to pat him on the head. Only problem is, he’s not sure Excellus wouldn’t bite. And who knows where those teeth have been? Everyone knows freaky dark rituals involve freaky things, and Excellus loves freaky dark rituals.

“At least close your mouth! You’re drooling,” Excellus snaps, tossing him his handkerchief. “And I expect that washed before you hand it back to me, just so you know.”

“You’re hilarious. As if I do the washing!” Cervantes laughs, which makes the feeling in his stomach grow stronger. “Say, you didn’t put any of your weird magic supplies into this tea, did you?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I wouldn’t waste my time poisoning the likes of you?” Excellus asks. “It’s just black tea, flavored with pistachio… Oh, don’t tell me you’re allergic!”

“This stuff makes your mustache grow?” Cervantes shakes his head. “I don’t think it’s going to work on you. Now see here, it’s true you’ll never be an IMPRESSIVE man without one, but you don’t have to—”

“I said PISTACHIO, you— You—” Excellus, seething, takes a deep breath. “Open your mouth.”

“You just said to close it!” Cervantes points out, but unfortunately, Excellus uses the opportunity to forego all boundaries and stick his fingers into Cervantes’s mouth, tugging its edges wide.

It’s disgusting, but somehow not as bad as Cervantes had feared. Excellus’s hands don’t taste like dirt or death, at least. Just a bit nutty, like the tea. Actually, he’s probably just tasting the tea still.

And Excellus looks much, much more disgusted than him, anyway.

“Anything wrong with me?” he asks.

“Not,” Excellus grimaces, “from the TEA.”

“I guess not,” Cervantes says. “I’ve been feeling good all day. Just not so STRANGELY good until I came in here with you. You have to admit it’s suspicious. And I’m always hearing about ‘mage’s mushrooms’ giving soldiers such feelings.”

Excellus screws his eyes shut, holding his hands to his temples.

“If anyone ever offers you a 'mage’s mushroom,’ Cervantes,” Excellus says, “kill them. Don’t even think twice.”

“Aha! So I was right to be wary!” Cervantes says. “Thank you, tactician! You know, sometimes you ARE good to have around!”

Excellus mutters something, but Cervantes can’t hear it over his own booming laugh.

“In any case…” Excellus continues. “Seeing as the tea is not going to kill you, would you care for another cup?”

“Oh, sure, sure!” No need to end a good time early. “But hold on… If it’s not because of tea or mushrooms, then what IS going on?”

“If I had to take a guess…” Excellus’s mouth twists into something almost resembling a smile. “Your simple mind simply enjoys simple pleasures.”

“And what, your complex mind doesn’t?” Cervantes strokes his beard. “Until we unite the world and put an end to this war, there’s no time for ME to be picky. But you… Hah, do you actually like drinking tea, or do you just want to look like the fancy nobles you grew up with?”

“I said nothing about my own mind. Don’t presume you know me… And yes, as it happens, I DO like drinking tea!” Excellus takes a sip of his tea, not that that proves anything. “You've never even seen some of the finest blends. After the war… Ah, but no… There won’t be time after the war, either.”

The snake is no doubt hiding something. He really likes to sneak around, as though nobody else could possibly pick up on his plans as long as he’s very shady about everything. It actually just makes him look all the more suspicious, but Walhart lets him get away with it, so it can’t be anything that dangerous. Whatever it is now, though, it makes him seem so pathetic that Cervantes again imagines patting the sorry man’s head. But since that’s still out of the question, there’s nothing else for it…

He takes a long slurp of his tea. 

“You uncivilized cur,” Excellus hisses. “If we were in Plegia, the noble families would never abide—”

Cervantes just grins as the little bastard whips himself into a fury. He could watch this for hours. A simple pleasure, indeed.

Nothing else needs to be said. Excellus is just so funny.


End file.
